Conversations at Work

Discussion with co-worker while surfing Amazon: There are a ton of different Cheerios: Dulce de Leche Cheerios, Peanut Butter Cheerios, Chocolate Cheerios. General Mills has really been slutting those Cheerios out!

Texts Between Me and My Brother

My Brother: “The wisest mind has something yet to learn” George Santayana, Philosopher

Me: “Alright, alright alriiiiight!! You gone learn today!” Kevin Hart, Comedian

Texts between my Brother and Me

Brother: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Me: Tell that to a rape victim.

Workplace Rhetoric

Conversation at Starbucks

Co-worker 1 (to the cashier): I’ll have a Passionfruit Iced Tea

Co-worker 2: My girlfriend loves that drink

Co-worker 1: Oh yeah?

Co-worker 2: Yeah, especially when she’s on her period.

Co-worker 1 (to the cashier): Make it a regular Iced Tea

Discipline vs. Regret

My Brother: “We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipine or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.”

Me: Not true. My discipline weighs hundreds of pounds. Gym discipline. Bench press. My regret weighs 8 ounces. Pizza. Pepperoni.

Discussion at Work

Discussing a Co-Worker’s Newborn

Manager: Here baby was born Friday, March 9th

Co-worker 1: Oh! Jared’s birthday was Friday!

Co-worker 2: That’s also the day Biggie Smalls died…

(Awkward silence)

Character

My brother: “Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth try.”

Me: Talent consists of only needing one try, two tops. When you have talent you don’t need character for a third try.

Texts Between My Brother and Me

Brother: “Courage is like a muscle. We strengthen it with use.” -Ruth Gordon, Actress

Me: But you have to know your limits or you’ll tear it like Peyton Manning and get cut. Or you’ll try to catch deadly animals with your hands and die. RIP Crocodile Hunter

Today’s Inspirational Text from my Brother

Brother: “Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can’t.” Jerry Rice, Football Player

Me: Sounds like illegal immigrants. I’m not picking fruit for pennies.

More Texts From My Brother and My Response

Brother: “To be prepared is half the victory.”

Me: Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. Oh snap! We have both halves!